Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
