There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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