I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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