Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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