My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
