I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
