i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Welp...herpes.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
