The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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