yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
