She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
