Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
