Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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