My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She told me I should be a condom model.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
