Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
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