So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
