i love accidental penises.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
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I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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