He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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