i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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