By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
