just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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