he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
