i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
