oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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