Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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