I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
