this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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