Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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