I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
