you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
