Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
