I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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