i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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