at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Someone shattered a urinal.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
