I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Randomize
