working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize