Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
