I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
