Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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