I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
