Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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