Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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