i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
