Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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