If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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