I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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