Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
