Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
