ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
