my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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