Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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