Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
