Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
