I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
