So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Soap is not a condiment
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
