he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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