you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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