Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I don't deserve a penis
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
