you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
