he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
