i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
