i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
nutella sex= disaster
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
