I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
